Before you even ask, let me answer your question. No, I won't buy your stupid T-shirt. While I'd love nothing more than to shell out ANOTHER tenbucks for ANOTHER shirt I'll never wear, I'm going to have to pass. I guarantee you I'm not the only one who's sick of being coerced into buying shirts for this club and that event; this cause and that bull. Enough is enough...seriously.

If I have to sit through one more lunch period with someone yelling into the microphone that "shirts are now available," I might just die. Not really, but I won't be a happy camper. I'm trying to enjoy my lunch (just like everyone else is), and I'm forced to listen to "MMMBop" on loop until I buy a homecoming shirt or a Seniorellas shirt or an [insert foreign language club here] shirt. It's getting out of hand. Try a canister drive. Or a bake sale (even if you have to wait 'til, like, seven hours after school ends). Or a car wash. Or a quarter dip. Or candles or cookie dough or magazine subscriptions or flower bulbs or gourmet nuts. There you go: approximately one billion alternatives to selling Tshirts.

The best part of this whole situation is that once we have a shirt to sell, we wonder why nobody buys it. "This shirt is so great!" we whine. "Why won't anybody buy it?" Allow me to shed some light. It's probably that everyone's broke because they've already spent $50 on shirts they don't even want! "Oh my god! Alec's a genius! He's figured out the reason why nobody buys our propaganda! Let's go make a shirt to celebrate!" No. No celebrating. I insist.

It would be one thing if the shirts were appropriate. But alas, they are not. The softball team a few years ago proclaimed on their shirts, "We get the runs." Varsity softball player and senior Nicole Colineri told me that the team's slogan was not, in fact, about running bases. Instead, the shirts made light of a problem that has plagued people around the world since the beginning of time: diarrhea. "It was funny! It was a joke!" said Colineri, defending her softball buddies. But that's not funny, Nicole. It's disgusting. Shirts have also been sold in anticipation of homecoming asking if we're "pre-gaming." Now, Dictionary.com defines pre-gaming as "the consumption of alcoholic beverages before attending a sporting event...especially one where alcohol may be limited or banned." So SGA, do you mean to ask if I'm getting "crunk'd" before the big game? Well, of course not! Because that would be illegal! My favorite shirt was last year's shirt for senior girls (which, by the way, was unsanctioned, and had to be sold underground because its message was so vile). "'007: We're better under covers," they proudly told our school and the world. Something they should be bragging about? Yeah, I didn't think so.

So stop buying shirts, everyone. Unless they're Fanscotian T-shirts. Everyone should buy one of those, if not two or three.